The question my brother and I wrestle with is how to keep my parents in their home, independent. I guess the answer is that we can't. We have to convince them to sacrifice bits and pieces of independence. For example, we want to get someone in at least fortnightly to clean the house for them. Dad does this himself now, and he does a great job, but it's just too much. He has to cut back.
Mom can't see, so Dad has to do all the cooking as well. This is not one of his strong suites. Still, he does admirably.
To compound things, my father-in-law is having his own health crisis here in Japan, and has had to be hospitalized. What we're going through as a family with him is at least as intense as what we're going through as a family with my father.
Of course, all of this seems like a harbinger of What is Yet to Come in our own lives. My parents are 83, I'm 55, only 28 more years to go! It is all too real.
But this is not about me, it's all about my parents and in-laws. What can we do to make their situations better?
Very familiar. Supisa's father in Thailand had a heart attack - so she flew back to help the family out for about 3 weeks while he was in the hospital and recovering at home. Fortunately her sister and brother-in-law live next door, so help is nearby; but they are also very busy professionals with small children - so it's not a slam dunk. My father is melting before our eyes, so bent over now that he can't see where he's going. This is the year he has to give up his beloved cows; fortunately he's transferred his affection to chickens - he sells eggs to some of the local restaurants - so life isn't boring for him. And now he's ordered a greenhouse - the next affection transfer is to vegetables. Each transfer hopefully matches his physical abilities. But even with that, my youngest brother stops by each day on his way home to check in and do some chore. He has the convenience of living nearby. During various medical emergencies we've contrived to have younger relatives stay with him - it's usually saved them rent etc. - but it's also driven dad nuts, he's ok with his own house keeping, but gets a little irritated at the lack of housekeeping by others. Next up - he has to stop driving. Oh Boy!
ReplyDeleteAging and death come to us all. They are not hidden, nor secret, nor shameful, but things all of us must learn to live with. That this little space of the web can be used as a means to come to some understanding of these processes is perhaps one of the more skillful uses of blogging. Please keep posting on the difficult stuff.
ReplyDeleteMy parents are going through much the same. My father has Parkinson's and his body is falling apart. In fact if he had been born one hundred years earlier, I expect he would be dead by now. He wouldn't have had the medical care and the drugs to keep him functioning. Dad's always been something of a stoic and this situation is no different. The one taking it hard is his wife, who is not yet ready to be a caretaker, who is not yet ready to be a widow. How do you help someone learn to loosen their grip, to learn to let go?